Nailed It!

As all of you know my son swallowed a nail a while back. It is still my number one most requested story, so I decided to write it up here to entertain you all with the dumpster fire that is my life. So here it goes:

Monday November 11th:

Chad had the day off for Veterans day so I made a big show (as one does) of showering and doing my hair and feeding the kids a big healthy breakfast and getting everyone ready for school. Basically trying to show him that I am so dedicated to raising his children that I couldn't possibly find a spare minute for things like laundry or vacuuming and that's why its his job. And when that got tiring I reverted back to my real self and went shopping for the day. 

Tuesday November 12th: 

Now that Chad was back to work I was free to wear sweats to school drop off again. It was such a relief that I stayed in them all day, and at pick up my "friends" (real friends, I love them) joked about how I only get ready for the day when Chad is around. So I explained that I can't leave Carson unattended long enough to shower AND wash my hair because he does things like flooding the basement twice and melting an instant pot on the stove. Unfortunately they are both "boy moms" so they had zero sympathy for me and my one son, so I decided to try a little harder to get my life together. Then when we got home Carson made himself some toast and somehow started a small, hardly noticeable, toaster fire. I decided to put off getting my life together for another day.

Wednesday November 13th:

I showered and washed my hair, the house was still standing when I was done. A good sign. I walked downstairs and found Carson poised and ready, screwdriver in hand, about to stab a giant box that held the new UPHOLSTERED headboard for the guestroom. I grabbed it from his hand.

       Me: "Why son? Why?" 

         C: "I'm just so curious"

       Me: "You have a serious problem dude."

         C: "I know Mom, I know"

We have this conversation a lot. Like multiple times a day, a lot. I let my hair air dry and he "helped" me put together the new bed. It took way longer that it should have, but I got the bed all set up with fresh sheets and left the box and Styrofoam in the guestroom for Chad to take away. I had done HIS job by putting it together after all, its the least he could do.

Thursday November 14th:

I forgot to tell Chad that I left a ton of cardboard and Styrofoam in the guestroom for him to dispose of. It's hard to have your life together. Carson did not forget. I came downstairs and found a cardboard house surrounded by "snow." While I would normally close the door and save it for after bedtime, I was trying to get my life together now, so I took all the cardboard out the the recycling, thanking Carson for breaking it down for me. Then I turned on Power Rangers to distract him while I vacuumed. when I was all done in the guestroom I went to check on Carson. He had apparently kept a secret stash of Styrofoam in case of emergency because now the living room was also a winter wonderland!

         Me: Can you ever just sit still bud?

           C: My brain just gets crazy ideas sometimes.

        Me: I get that.

Since it wasn't like he broke anything or drew on anything or set anything on fire I decided to excuse myself to cry to Chad about how cleaning is useless and we should just burn the house down and start over. Carson walked in with a guilty look on his face so I hung up the phone.

          Me: "What happened now, bud?" 

            C: "I swallowed a nail"

          Me: "Fingernail?" I knew full well it was not a fingernail, I was just hoping.

            C: "Nope"

          Me: "Fantastic"

            C: "I was just holding it in my teeth pretending to be a humming bird and pecking
                    things, but then I accidentally yawned and swallowed it."

          Me: "Well I guess we know now that that is a terrible idea"

So I called Chad, told him what happened, asked him to text our doctor friend and ask how worried we should be, and informed him that I will not be vacuuming ever again. I threw a pull up on Finny and off we went to Urgent Care. Since Urgent Care is in the same building as his pediatrician they sent us down to his office. He was out for the day so they kicked us across the hall to another pediatrician. We were there with a cute baby boy who had a pretty bad cut on his tongue. His parents should really be careful about what he puts in his mouth, I mean, were they even watching him? Finally the nurse brought us back. She asked "a nail? Like the kind you use with a hammer" about 3 times, then said "that's a new one, and a scary one!" Ya kinda why I'm here, thanks. So she asked us about the the nail, size, what kind of metal, was it was rusty, mothers maiden name? Did it enjoy long walks on the beach? Is it survived by any children? I told her I didn't know and that had I seen my son playing with a nail, obviously I would have taken it from him. I have my life together now, I washed my hair yesterday. 

They sent us to get X-rays a few more people clarified that he swallowed "A Nail? Like what you would use to hang a picture?" Yep exactly. They laid him on the table and asked him to unbutton his pants and shimmy them down a little so they could get a clear picture. Carson blushed.

            C: Good thing I put on my favorite undies this morning

         Me: Ya or this could have been embarrassing.

They snapped the picture and Carson got up, pulled up his pants and walked around to see the screen. and there it was. Giggles broke out in the whole office and multiple techs came out of no where to see the results. Ya, sure, very amusing, my kid swallows nails, but all his boogers go in tissues so I'm still kind of crushing parenting. 

           C: "Wow, my insides ARE as handsome as my outsides."

        Me: "Ya, and that nail adds just the right touch"

So at the office the doctor tells us that he believes Carson can pass it no problem and sends us home with a bucket for him to poop in so that we can recover the nail. If it doesn't come out by next Thursday he will have to be taken to Primary Children's Hospital for surgery. Oh and if he poops blood, spikes a fever, or changes colors its probably a rupture so you should take him to Primary Children's for that too. Oh, OK, wait, what?!

So we are back at home. I'm watching him like a hawk, and also trying to stuff him full of food so he has some padding in there. Broccoli will make him poop, maybe some bread to insulate the nail, apples, yogurt, pancakes? No, those are for soaking up alcohol, I'll keep the recipe for when he inevitably drives me to binge drink. My phone rang. "stay where I can see you while I answer this!" It's Chad. Carson's doctor called him and said that he disagreed with the other doctor and thinks that the risks are too high and Carson should go to Primary Children's and have it surgically removed, they are finding a third opinion. Oh, cool, we will just put it to a vote then. At this point Chad also told me our friend we had texted earlier also suggested taking him to Primary Children's. So 2 to 1 in favor of slicing open my favorite son. The third opinion came back, another vote for let it pass. So Carson's doctor decided we would leave it up to the Surgeon General.

As we were waiting to hear back I called my sister and cried. I don't have a spare son, so keeping this one is my top priority, some may even say its my full time job. Also I didn't know if I should be hoping for surgery or not because if he doesn't have the surgery I am going to be a walking ball of anxiety until it passes, but if he has to have surgery that's anesthesia, a hospital stay, recovery time, and explaining to his teacher that I missed Parent Teacher Conference because he swallowed a nail on my watch. Imagine what would have happened if I didn't get my life together the day before, would he have swallowed a whole toolbox?

Finally at around 4:30 we got the final word that we would wait until Monday for surgery. Everything was fine and calm the rest of the night. Chad brought home dinner, I can't cook after such a tiring day, I already fed him two meals and an accidental snack for heavens sake. We ate and discussed where we might go for Carson's birthday dinner now that he hopefully wont be having surgery.  Lowes? Home Depot? I would say Harbor Freight, but its his birthday, so we should splurge a little. After dinner Chad and Carson are building with LEGOs and Chad is holding one in his mouth. 

           Me: This is all your fault! He inherited the mouth holder gene from you!

        Chad: I'm so sorry

           Me: you have to dig through his poop, this is on you.

Friday November 15th: 

Poop number one came around and Chad got his gloves on and started the search. Nothing. Chad would have to search again. I found it hilarious. I mean I was concerned about Carson, of course, but this was taking the edge off. 

Chad had an appointment so I was flying solo at Carson's PTC. I took all the kids. His preschool teacher went on and on about how smart he was and how he already learned all the kindergarten sight words and was moving on to to first grade sight words, he's so advanced, they are so proud, I didn't have the heart to tell them their little genius swallows nails in his spare time. Then Finley pooped in her underwear as we were walking out of the school at the same time Carson announced that he too had to go potty, there are bathrooms at the school, but no special poop buckets so I took him all the way home while holding a poopy toddler out in front of me and while Brisa screamed and berated me for not carrying her backpack for her. There is only one house between our house and the school, but it felt like a death march. We got home Carson peed. Just pee, seriously? You could have done that at the school. A few hours later the nail reemerged and Chad was so proud. Our boy sure is regular! 

Carson learned nothing and I still have to confiscate items from him constantly. I have decided that medical costs being what they are I will cease all midday cleaning and continue seeing my dear friend dry shampoo, a 3 minute shower is all the risk I need to take in the day. I will continue filling the role of hot mess mom at school drop off, someone has to do it. I make other moms feel like rock stars by comparison and that is fine by me. There is a lot less pressure here at the bottom.